my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
