You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
