Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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