last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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