Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
