i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
