I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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