Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
