I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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