I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
