She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
