she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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