apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
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