i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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