you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
