Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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