we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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