I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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