I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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