i think my mom watched the whole time
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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