I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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