I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize
