Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
