wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm getting married
To pizza
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
