Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
