I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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