i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
