well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
