btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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