What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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