She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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