My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
