The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
