if you like me you must not know who I am
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
