Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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