Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
