Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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