I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize