we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize