How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
