the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
