dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
where does the pee come out of this thing
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
