So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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