I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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