The maid of honor just puked.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
