The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
