Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
