I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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