here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
