if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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