When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
