Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
