I wanna bring you to show and tell
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
