Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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